I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
you inspire me to be a worse person
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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