My brain says no but my pants say off.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
