Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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