I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
