Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
