You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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