We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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