i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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