I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
