The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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