You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
