You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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