I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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