A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
