you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
