between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
