I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
