I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
