I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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