Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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