can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
