Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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