apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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