well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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