we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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