I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
