there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize