I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
