So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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