I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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