Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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