You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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