Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
