This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
