How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
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