seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
