i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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