someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
