I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
