Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
