Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
