So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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