I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
