I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
