We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
