so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
