Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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