I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
