She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
