God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
