I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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