I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
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Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
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I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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