Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
