Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
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He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
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I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
His nipple licking is glorious
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