the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
