He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
