So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
