Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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