does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
